My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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