yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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