halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
