I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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