tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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