I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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