I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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