phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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