Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
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My ATM looks so different sober.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
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I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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