When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
where are you?
Hypothermia
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
