I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
