I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
