Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
