Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
