You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
