You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
