70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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