I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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