I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
