is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
