So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
