I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
