I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
