dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
