I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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