I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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