The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
