I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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