I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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