The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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