Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
And the cops told us we were all naked.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
