she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
