Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
