Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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