Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
