When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
