I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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