remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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