I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
