and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
