I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
