My balls are so social today.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
