He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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