I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
