The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
