Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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