I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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