why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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