I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
