thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
