Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
