sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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