it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
