chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
