I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
