No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
