I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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