I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
