god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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