If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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