Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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