I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
