I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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