The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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